Self Soothing: The First Step is Self Attunement. Part 2
This post is continuted from: Self Soothing Part 1
Put simply, self soothing is being with and tuning into an experience (whether within yourself or someone else) with a sense of care and connection, and then tending to that experience with compassion and support.
Learning to attune to yourself is key for an effective self soothing practice.
So, how do we learn self attunment?
We learn self attunement from our caregivers. When a child is upset, the caregiver will slowdown, tune into the child, and notice what may be upsetting them. By tuning into the child’s experience, the caregiver may understand that the child is hungry, has a belly ache from gas, or needs closeness and affection. From here, the caregiver gives the child what they need; supporting the child to find comfort, ease, and a sense of safety.
This is the same thing we can learn to do with ourseves as adults.
So, what does it mean to be “Unattuned”?
When we are unattuned we are not in connection with our experience. We either push it away, deny it exists, or try to change it without honoring it.
With children, a parent may ignore the child’s cries, choose not honor their feelings, or try to change the child’s emotions without acknowledging their experience. If the child is scared of something, for example, the parent tells the child “that is not scary. stop crying”, or “the fall wasn't that bad, toughen up!”.
Or, if the parent is dissociated from their own self, they may become agitated and anxious by the child’s cries. Thus, overwhelmed in their own body, not able to sense into the child’s experience to find resolve.
These unattuned experiences between child and caregiver, confuse the child’s awareness and connection to their own feelings. As a result they learn to bypass, dissociate, suppress, etc. As adults the same thing happens when we bypass feelings that arise within us. This “confuses” our systems and creates dysregulation. However, when we choose to slow down and attune to our arising emotions and sensations with curiosity and care, we can tend to our needs, move through emotion with a healthy way, and support ourselves deeply.
Coregulation happens when the caregiver tunes into the upset child and supports them to find comfort and ease.
But children also self regulate using instincitual soothing tools. Think of a baby rubbing their cheek with a soft blanket to fall asleep, cooing to relax, or sucking their thumb to feel safe. Those are early forms of self soothing. As adults, we still naturally self soothe—though it might look different.
Part 3:
Unhealthy ways we Self Soothe as adults, healthier alternatives, and why it may be challenging to practice self soothing in the moment of heightened emotion.
Even though we know the importance of Self Attunement and Self Soothing, we may still find it very hard to apply this wisdom in a moment of heightened emotion! Who can relate to knowing all the info but having a hard time putting it in practice? *raises hand* Who can relate to having the tools but struggling to use them? *raises hand again*
So, let’s touch on a few things that may make self attunement and self soothing challenging to put in practice:
We are not resourced: Meaning we don't have a good “toolbox” of techniques and practices to support us. This is why somatic education is so important. We want to learn tools to help us feel resourced, like we have choices in how we tend to our emotions. If we notice we are anxious, but don't know any tools to support us, we may find our self resorting to dissociating, suppressing, bypassing etc.
When there is a lack of safety: A sense of safety is vital when wanting to down regulate the nervous system. When we are in an environment that doesn't feel supportive or safe, such as a public place, or if we are in the company of someone who doesn't provide relational safety, we may not be comfortable enough to apply our self soothing techniques.
When your basic needs aren't met: You’re fighting against nature when you expect to feel emotionally well but you are dehydrated, haven't eaten, emptied your bladder, had enough rest, etc. Our society trains us not to listen to our bodies, for the sake of productivity, so we forget to eat, use the bathroom, and simply take care of our basic needs. When these needs aren't met, we can’t expect Self Soothing tools to feel supportive.
When you are living in a sensitive or traumatized body: Self Soothing is about tending to our present emotional states. However, those of us living in traumatized bodies, may not only be dealing with the present emotion, but also have “the past in the room”. This means a present emotion can also activate unresolved emotion and narratives, making it really hard to determine what we really need in the present. During heightened emotion the “rational” brain shuts down making it hard to make supportive decisions, this is exasperated in a sensitive or traumatized body. This means it is even more important for us to practice self attunement, so that we can be aware of when we are being activated and to slowly and gently develop our ability to resource (utilize supportive tools).